4 hours later…. i took an hour long jog, talked to my mom, talked to the new guy i’m seeing, and you know what? i don’t feel like writing about it naymore. how many times do you have to relive a traumatic experience ot get over it? i think i’m done with it by now. song of the moment: http://youtu.be/tnFfKbxIHD0

what’s there left to do that will make my heart skip a beat and make my fingers tingle? do i want to continue living on the edge?

where i am now: i’ve realized that i’m no longer in a rush to get married. i think that passed at 26. i also realized that i’m not absolutely dying an armenian man. i’ve come to realize that between the goal of marrying somebody from my culture vs somebody who will make me happy, i prefer somebody who will make me happy. unfortunately, i have not found both these qualities in one person and to be honest, i’m getting tired of looking. i love the feeling of loving somebody and of being loved. i also enjoy knowing that i have somebody’s back and they have mine. those things don’t come from a simple date or two.. they take time to develop, thus, a relationship.

i’ve done the eharmony thing, i’ve activated and deactivated hyesingles, and i’ve perused match.com (thank god i didn’t invest any $$ in that one though.. that’s just a little too crazy for my taste). i’ve also gone back to my exes, just to realize that no, it will not work. i need to stop doing that. it’s not fair to people. but i keep thinking that at least they know i’ve given them a second thought… a second chance. they know i tried……… or did i?

i’ve also gone back to getting in touch with my mentor. he was a strange friend a year or so back, but somehow there is something that is pulling me towards him now. at least to meet up and do dinner/drinks. i don’t quite know what it is, but i’ve learned not to question it and just go with it. i usually end up finding out later. i’ve learned that with quite a few things… i learned to listen to my body. if i don’t feel too well running for too long, well.. i walk. same goes for my mind. if i don’t feel like having somebody in my life bc they weigh down on my psyche, i’ve learned to cut them out of my life. i’ve also improved on my communication quite a bit… even though i must admit that it’s still hard for me at times.

i’m also reading up on the Happiness Project. I have found out over time that I need something to keep me inspired… whether it’s The Secret, 511 daily inspirations, or little happiness projects and 30 days towards a happier me. Time will tell, but I’m definitely one of the more positive people I know. At times I don’t feel it, but I’ve gathered this piece of advice from all my positive literature…. “act the way you want to feel.” It’s definitely been working. Why all the happiness projects etc? i realized i don’t appreciate my life as much as i should.i realized i’m a little too quick to be snappy, i’m a little too short with my mom sometimes, and i don’t truly invest in the things that will make the biggest difference one day… relationships, paying off dept, myself.

so here i am… on a path to self improvement. i started with trying to get more sleep and eating better. i’ve also gone back to running and forced myself to stay dedicated by signing up for a few races. 2nd half marathon, here i come! i think i need to take up this photography thing back up, maybe need to do some yoga to calm the mind, or something!! yes, i still get restless. no, i no longer get nightmares. you know, i’ve also found out throughout time that when i work against what my body/subconscious mind tells me not to do, i get nightmares. that’s quite a lesson learned, don’t you think? i guess you really get to know yourself over hte years. it’s also fascinating.. really.

well.. that’s all really. for once, nothing to complain about, nothing to mope over. i’ve also realized i’ve started using less profanity in my posts. my goodness. 2009 definitely sounded a lot rougher than the years that followed. let’s keep it that way, huh? my skin has gotten thicker. my patience has improved. i think i’ll one day be a good mother because i’m leanring how to discipline people. not bad for a 26 year old, right? i better hurry up and do more improvements. turning 27 pretty soon and that won’t be too impressive then.

i guess might as well recite my life in the last few months since i haven’t posted in a while. it’s been a bit overwhelming, and maybe that’s why i haven’t felt like writing about it…. or maybe it’s bc i didn’t want to put it down on paper.. well.. “paper” to think that it hasn’t really happened.

i got herpes. yep. me. i’m now that girl. i’m the girl from all the sociology 400-course readings that’s dealing with intimacy issues bc she doesn’t know how to communicate to potential partners that she has an std. i’m not very interested in reciting the details of the entire incident since it’s no longer the means, but the end, that matters most. i’ve gotten medicated, done my research, and now no longer feel semi-suicidal about it all. i guess the world is not over when you get herpes, but for the first month, it sure as hell felt like it. thank you, judy, my PA at a planned parenthood clinic, for telling me your own story and for helping me realize i’m still human. for a minute, i stopped remembering that. it was a tough month of september, that’s for sure. i still haven’t had the need to bring this up to anybody, so we are yet to see what the reaction is like, but life goes on.

other than that, i am still trying to figure out where i want my life to be. haven’t i been blogging about the same thing for years now? lol. can’t help but find that pretty funny. anyways, so here i was, finally coming to the point in my life where i was at peace… i was dating around a bit, joined eharmony, was chatting up a storm with a few people here and there, and was somewhat enjoying my single-hood. I must admit, it’s quite interesting being single and even quite addictive. no need to report to anyone, no need to come home at night… it’s just you and your freedom. really thrilling actually. anyways, so here i am, free as a bird, and my ex comes back via text. i must admit, it was on a very sad day that i received his message. i don’t remember exactly why it was sad, but quite a few people have died that week, i  had to pick up my resident’s ashes, and work was tough. who knows? i just missed him. and i missed being held, and i missed being loved. so we went out for drinkings and quite frankly, it made me so depressed. i got a knot in my throat, could barely continue talking, and started crying when we were saying bye. it just felt like my heart was breaking for the second time. how much more of this can i continue to put myself through? he’s missed me, he wants me back in his life, etc. and now i’m back at the point where i’ve learned to be alone, i’ve grown stable and independent, and actually enjoy my life, and here he is, coming back to me and interfering. I still can’t figure out if I want to get married already. Do i want to marry him? is there some sort of a sign that you see when it all clicks into place? how does one know?

anyways, on that happy thought, below is the way to happiness…..

Happiness is absolutely within your reach. In fact, it closer than close – the essence of you. How to discover happiness? Make a study of your thoughts and emotions. See what makes you unhappy, then plant your feet firmly in the land of happiness. Make these ten wise choices, and the deepest happiness imaginable will be revealed.

1. Take responsibility. Don’t blame others, turn yourself into a victim, or wait for someone to come and save you. If you want to be happy, take the bull by the horns. Be willing to figure out how you stand in the way of your happiness.
2. Embody enthusiasm. Be willing, open, courageous, and humble. Admit what isn’t working and be available to the possibility of real inner change. Keep your quest alive.
3. Drop your old baggage. Nothing kills happiness more quickly than old hurts, resentments, and grudges. If you are spending your precious time stuck in a sad story from the past, realize that you are being affected way more than anyone else. Wrap all of that pain in a vast cocoon of love, then move on with clarity and grace.
4. Become intensely interested in your inner life. The cause of unhappiness is the playing out of conditioned habits that don’t serve you. Find out what they are and use a laser focus to see how they work. With your new-found awareness, make healthy, life-affirming choices.
5. Question your beliefs. We unknowingly build our lives around distorted beliefs and expectations. Put every thought under the microscope for examination to see if it is actually true. You will undoubtedly find that you are living through a veil of confusion and limitation. Be willing to step away from these familiar and cherished beliefs and see everything with fresh eyes.
6. Appreciate presence. Happiness is found here, in the eternal now – not in the past or future. Relax. Let all efforting fall away, and receive everything just as it is. Luxuriate in the wonder of your senses as you go about your daily life.
7. Study your emotions. Life becomes heavy and burdensome when we are ruled by difficult emotions. The medicine for this emotional pain is interest and attention. Stop telling yourself stories that fuel your emotions. Rather, welcome the direct experience of the feelings and the sensations in your body. Let them be without needing to get rid of them. Over time, they will lose their power over you, and you will be at peace. The clouds will lift, revealing the happiness you have been searching for all along.
8. Live from your heart. Shed every thought, emotion, and habit that no longer serves you. What is left? Love. Let love permeate your conversations, activities, and the way you treat yourself. In any moment, ask, “What would love do?” then do it. Savor the deliciousness of a full and open heart.
9. Choose freedom over fear. Fear is another happiness-killer. Know when fear is driving your choices, and choose otherwise. Meet fear with love, then have the courage to act on what you really want.
10. Let happiness pervade your life. Every moment presents the opportunity to be happy. If you doubt me, just take a look at your own experience. When you break it down to its bare essence in the moment, you will realize that a choice is always possible. Nag or be silent, self-criticize or self-love, sustain stress or take a deep breath, perpetuate a habit or unravel it until you just can’t keep it going anymore.

When we are at peace with our own experience, we can’t help but be happy. Nothing is in the way. We see through the fog of faulty beliefs and dramatic stories, leaving us available to consciously choose happiness – now, and now, and now. It’s right here, can you feel it?

Happiness is no longer a mystery. Make these 10 wise choices, and the endless well of happiness will be revealed to you.

today, however, is different. i’m feeling a tad melancholy, and did feel like writing. felt like reading too. reread all of the emails… or at least quite a few of them… that i’ve had going back and forth with my “mentor.” as odd as that whole relationship turned out, i think he may have saved me, or at least held me up a bit, when i was a very sad friend. live and learn, ya know? i’m glad that period is over and i’m a bit stronger now.

so let’s talk about “now.” Now, i am 26 years old, single, 117 lbs (on a good morning HAH), still red-headed, somewhat carefree, an Administrator, working at my first 99 bed SNF. I’m trying to become a leader. not quite there, but work in progress, i’m sleeping with a 45 year old surgeon, sort of starting to date a 30 year old aerospace engineer that i met online, and slowly getting back into running again. i am also absolutely ignorant about hte world (so today I started reading up CNN), i realized i don’t “take care of old people” for a living.. rather “run a business” (because so little of what I do actually has to do with caring about my residents) – sad but true, and i have been broken up with my last ex for about 4 months (i think it was over in march/april/may… who’s counting?). i thought we were supposed to get married, but Que sera, sera.. so it didn’t sera, so who cares. wasn’t meant to be.

i’ve been wanting to blog for a while about my life in the last 8 months because i feel like so much has happened. now, looking back on 2010, a TON has happened. I’m not the same girl who started out the year cuddling up next to her bf telling him that staying at home for new year’s was “good enough”. now.. i’m ruthless. now, i know what it feels like when you feel like you sold your soul. sometime this year, i sold mine. it was a scary feeling at first, but i guess it’s sort of like getting to the top of the hill and then rolling down. once you start rolling down, you don’t need anybody to push you.. you accelerate in that direction yourself. oh well. i used to panic over it just a bit, as it was happening, and then i got a piece of advice….. Just Live. and so that’s what i’ve done. i’ve just lived. I’ve just lived into a point where i don’t think my lifestyle supports my prior dreams and aspirations – i am slowly starting to forget what it’s like to be in a relationship… what it’s like to be held accountable to a significant other… what it’s like to plan your life around time together, spend an entire life together, and bring them to your events and introduce them to people as your partner. how strange and how annoying. to hell with that. right now, i get to just live. i’ve also gotten to that apathetic point mentioned in the top paragraph of this post. i’ve stopped worrying about getting married. que sera, sera. i don’t doubt that it will happen, but i guess it wasn’t my time with berj, so that’s ok too. since we’ve broken up and i haven’t missed him, i have been counting my blessings for the fact that he has not proposed. it’s true. my life is still a requiem for a dream. the dream that was supposed to be my ideal engagement ring. the dream that was supposed to be a wedding at Arbat, 300 people, and a honeymoon in italy. but that’s ok. now that it hasn’t worked out, i’m slightly glad. my mom is pissed though. she was sitting there picking out our party favorites for our wedding on the 4th month of our relationship. when it all crashed and burned, she didn’t know who to blame. of course, it was him.

this year, i’ve felt at the top of the world – i got my job starting at 75k in january, got boosted to 82k in july, and now even managed to make a 1k bonus. financially, i am now paying rent (sometimes at my brother’s too), and most (if not all) of the bills. apparently, 82k ends up being not a lot of money at all. wtf. seriously. how does that even happen?! oh well. deal with it and maybe get a better accountant. that’s on my list of things to do. in the meantime, what are you going to do? just live. i’ve also felt at the bottom. on teh days when my VPO or COO have come to visit my facility and the place was burning down. Oh well. can’t cry about it. just live… even if it means living through something.

anyways, i guess that’s it for now. hopefully writing this will help me get back into writing a bit more. i like capturing my life, but even if i don’t, i know i’ll understand.

i get these period of time occasionally.. maybe every 6 months to a year or so… where i need to do something stupid. i get restless, unhappy, out of sync, and just overall agitated and feel like i need to release my energy. in the past, this has resulted in quite a few things. two cartilage piercings, one belly button piercing, one small tattoo, 155 skydiving jumps, a year and a half of motorcycle riding, and one half marathon. yes, it’s gotten tamer over the last year… i guess with my bf, it had to, but here it goes again.

i guess just slightly feeling too old and too tired for my young 26. i’ve told myself that i’ll fill up my schedule to stop myself from going crazy, and indeed it worked. i have filled it up to exhaustion and now i crawl home and just want to sleep. i suppose that’s good. it keeps me away from doing craziness, however, it also results in me being restless… again. maybe i should go do a jump. God, i was so happy back then. We’ll see. we’re 4 weeks into our job and still waiting to get paid. goodness gracious the things i will do once i have a steady paycheck!

so here it is…

we just got back from santa barabara. it was beautiful (especially our hotel) and relaxing and incredibly comfortable. its nice and cozy to be getting to that warm place in our relationship. sometimes it feels like it’s slightly bumpy, but then it settles in even deeper. this is it. this is definitely it. just that thought is so insane! it’s so crazy and comforting and wild to know that i am living my life and watching it develop. we’ve talked about jewelry soo much already! i’ve even emailed him the picture of the ring i stumbled on that i absolutely loved!( i threw it out there and he wanted to see it). my goodness. well, our 11 month anniversary is only 4 days away…

what has it been like so far? the last couple of months have been insane. i started my new job on jan 24th. i wanted to make sure i’m an administrator when i turn 26, and what od you know? i am. I am finally in that place that seemed so far away: where i make enough money (75k base is pretty good for 26!), i’m done with all my degrees (got my master’s last may 2010) and i’m soo ready to settle down and have a little family. I really really want kids now and can’t wait to be pregnant one day!! I know it’s so silly, but there are so many people getting engaged and having kids already, that i can’t wait to be one of them. it’s actually slightly overwhelming that my life’s taken longer to start than i expected, but all in good time i suppose. i’m also working my second job at alexandria care, typing an award application for them, mentoring my little asian girl at usc, and mentoring for team in training (summer season – running SD in june of this year!). i think if i had known that i’d be taking on a new job, i would’ve not signed up for so much, but oh well. im having fun, just can’t believe this is my life. my god, who would’ve thought. little old me is getting older and wiser and appreciating my life for what it is.

this year, it’s been so different. i have accomplished so much more over 2010. i think a lot of my accomplishments compensated for the fact that 2009 felt like such a waste. graduated from grad school, got a new bf, got a new job, got two licenses and a brand new job offer. yet it’s interesting. with all of its developments, i think i was more in love last year than i am now. it was all more passionate, had more turmoil, but had more emotion. right now, as it’s absolutely pouring outside of my window, i’m slightly irritated at life. there has to be a way to balance the two out, but i haven’t figured that balance out, so instead, i’m settling for the more quiet and stable route of living my life. i guess this will have to do. now what to do about this restlessness?

i’m now at a point where i’m done arguing for him to work less. instead, i’m working on filling up my life. it’s too bad that i’m so tired so frequently. i think my anemia is worsening. i can’t think of any other reason for being tired so frequently. i need to go see a doctor already. been lagging on it for too long.

my goodness. i’m turning 26 in a month. i feel so old and so behind schedule. it’s irritating, but i guess life has had an irritating effect on me lately. i’m getting restless again, but this time, no motorcycles or skydiving to clear my head. what to do? what to do?? I’m tired of running. feels like i’m running again, but more than that, feels like running’s not cutting it anymore. i’m tired of staying home. feels like i always forget to schedule hangouts in advance and end up home watching tv on weekends. lame. hmm. decisions, decisions. maybe 2011 will help me settle down.